today

me. oh. my. I will be glad when this week is over. been kind of nutty. busy. stressful. admittedly, all of my own making. I excel at procrastination.

my moods seem to be in full swing these days. up. down. short. patient. my head hurts. my heart aches so I can hardly breathe. I'm tired. I'm bright eyed. bushy-tailed. quite a range indeed.

my sister sent me this photo. our childhood home (early teen years - college) was demolished. after my mom died, daddy moved to Ohio near my sister. the house sold to the neighboring church. they were not good keepers. it fell into disrepair. and, yesterday, it happened. we knew it was coming. but, like she says, it's still a shock. part of my life lived in that house. my parent's dream home. now gone. sad.

talked with a dear friend who is battling cancer. she has finished her chemo regime. now possibly awaiting radiation. and they've discovered a new shadow on the scans. she's been through so much. she is strong. in faith. love. hope. I admire her so.

the hubs was cleared by his surgeon this week. still has to take it a bit easy. but all healed. bless him.

I am only a bystander in some things. a witness to life. so much going on around me I cannot control. inside me. however, I am raging. things to do. hands to hold. love lost. love to share. memories to hold onto. memories to make. hope to spread. joy to be had. such joy to be had.

'in this mob of I’s inside, which one is me? hear me out. I know I’m wandering, but don’t start putting a lid on this racket. no telling what I’ll do then. every moment I’m thrown by your story. one moment it’s happy, and I’m singing. one moment it’s sad, and I’m weeping. it turns bitter, and I pull away. but then you spill a little grace, and just like that, I’m all light. it’s not so bad, this arrangement, actually.'

Christmas break

I've been overwhelmed with Tour prep lately. still lots to do. plenty of time for the to-do list (she frets). but I thought I'd find another image to stare back at me in my diary. so a few of my favorite plants smile there now. these grace my kitchen. and simply make me happy.

'look at us, said the violets blooming at her feet. here we are to comfort you.'

quoting William

well. the floors are finished. the rooms are painted. my sweet neighbors are coming this weekend to help us move back into the downstairs. can't hardly wait.

the hubs continues to recuperate from surgery. poor guy. he's doing really well. thank You.

it's been a whirlwind. so hard to think that just last week we were in a frenzy. so happy to think all's well that ends well.

'think of all the beauty around you and be happy.'

Tuesday

sitting alone in the waiting room at the ER this morning. I cried. I prayed. my mind raced. I was a bit panicked. called back to his room to wait. I took a deep breath.

a few tests. a few long hours. a diagnosis later. we were home. tired. grateful. thankful.

the hubs tops my gratitude list. bless him. blessed me.

'why should I wish to see God better than this day? I see something of God each hour of the twenty-four, and each moment then, in the faces of men and women I see God, and in my own face in the glass, I find letters from God dropped in the street — and every one is signed by God's name and I leave them where they are, for I know that others will punctually come forever and ever.'

good Friday

staying busy today. starting another project. I should be finishing other started projects. but reasons abound. for starting. for not finishing.

this home tour business has been good. is good. has motivated us to do some things long past due. like company coming and I finally clean. I know I should do it all along. but (she reasons).

we're having a garage sale sometime soon. part of the 'treasures' will come from those 'stored' on the sleeping porch. a lovely little room that was open at one time, I suspect. when we bought the house I thought what a cute play room it would be for the grandkiddos. for the tour it will be staged like a play room. after (or as part of) the tour the hubs will take it over as a train room. not to be confused with his train garden. different trains (he could have worse habits she smiles).

so I'm writing while taking a break from the great clean-out. pulled up the carpeting that was covering the floors. to discover a pretty blue-gray paint. a bit worn. just the way I like it. this one will be simple (she hopes). paint the walls. seal the floor. arrange the stuff. easy-peasy (she dreams).

'I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.'

.

jet lag

I'm feeling a bit worn out today. sluggish. got home from LA yesterday. those days. the day before we leave. the day of departure. the day after we arrive back. so very hard. emotionally. my eyes well with tears. my stomach lumps. my heart is heavy. just knowing that I have to leave. am about to go. am without them again.

the overwhelming-ness of it will pass. but the ache lingers.

so bear with me while I pity party. and get back into the steady hum of normal life. life is good. just a bit far away.

'I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.'