first amendment

I find myself saying 'sorry' quite a bit. this is not a recent thing. but in reflection I seem to apologize for just about everything. and not just me ... don't you hear it day in and day out. sorry. not a statement of regret most times. it's just a common phrase like please and thank you. and it got me to thinking.

I quoted Kelly Rae in my last post regarding her thoughts on gratitude. a few days ago she talked about apologies. not just the mindless 'sorry' you say in passing conversation, but true heartfelt apologies.

she writes that apologies 'made me think about all the opportunities that mistakes give us to really connect with the people in our lives.' I make my share of mistakes, missteps, the occasional mayhem. but I never really thought of taking the error of my ways and turning it into a connecting point. we learn from our mistakes. we all know that lesson pertaining to proactively not repeating the error. but to use the mistake as an opportunity to grow and become a better person. to reach out. embrace. accept. and not defend. that is the lesson.

she continues 'my heart was connecting to hers. I've learned that when I do approach a situation with an apology rather than with a prepared battle, I feel so much cleaner about it. if I just let my heart do the talking and admit I was wrong or unfair, then it gives the other person permission to let their guard down too.'

no doubt I will continue to fall back on the 'sorry'. it slips out easily in conversation. and although speech is free the words used can be either costly or priceless. I don't want to take the word for granted and render it meaningless. commonplace. worthless. this word needs to be spoken softly. absorbed. returned.

'remember, we all stumble, every one of us. that's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand.'

good friday

'to me, gratitude comes in those small spaces of breathing between all the tiny moments that happen throughout our days: when the phone rings and it’s the voice of a dear friend you were just thinking about, when a stranger opens a door for you, when an unexpected package arrives in the mail. it’s honoring all the small moments, the ones that collect and create a perimeter of goodness around your life. it’s paying attention to the way someone looks at you, to the way you feel when you’re inspired, to how those cute new shoes put a skip in your step. gratitude. it’s recognizing, even in times of struggle, that you have all you could ever need, that there are moments every single day that ask you to notice, and to celebrate. it’s in these moments, for me, especially the small ones, where gratitude lives.'

a few blogs back I posted a Gratitude List. a short list, mind you, because there are so many things I am grateful for and blessed by. the quote above is from Kelly Rae Roberts who describes herself as an 'artist. author. possibilitarian.' you've got to love that word ... possibilitarian. her blogsite invites friends and fans to 'fly with her'. she offers inspiration and thanks to big moments and little happenings in life. reading her makes me smile.

enthusiasm and happiness are contagious, just like sadness and negativity. and I know I've been on the no negativity kick for awhile now. but I cannot apologize for it. it makes me feel good. it makes me want to share 'the happy'. it puts a skip in my step and a fire in my heart. it makes me a better person. it, thankfully, makes me a possibilitarian, for with God all things are possible.

'maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.'

telling tales and talking tails

I am a huge fan of Susan Wittig Albert, a local Texas author. I was introduced to her literally and communicatively at the Master Gardener Conference a few years ago where she was a speaker. she is best known for a long series of books featuring heroine China Bayles and litany of fascinating herbs.

my adoration of this author is through her other writing venue ~ The Cottage Tales of Beatrix Potter. ever since we lived in England and visited Hilltop, the country home of Ms. Potter and her pal Peter Rabbit, I have been charmed, almost haunted, by the beauty of the Lake Distict. ms. Albert tells the story of Beatrix and her life with its many trials and tribulations through the eyes of the animals that live in and around the little town of New Sawrey. she writes under the premise of intrigue and mystery as there is always something afoot in the village, but simply put the books are a delightful read. the characters are charming. the scenery blissful. and with a bit of poetic license the stories follow the true life of ms. Potter, which are heartwarming and heart wrenching.

so please excuse me as I take the next several hours and venture across the pond. there I will lose myself in a world where animals talk (in a language no humans understand); townfolk are friendly, giving and more than a little inquisitive; and love abounds.

'a book is a garden, an orchard, a storehouse, a party, a company by the way, a counsellor, a multitude of counsellors.'

questions and answers

I am pondering this quote from Rainer Maria Rilke ... 'have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.'

now that I am middle-aged (plus) I thought I would have this crazy thing called life all figured out. I would know what I wanted to be. who I wanted to be. where I wanted to be. how I wanted to be. I am blessed in every way. I lead an absolutely lovely life. I am loved. I love. so why do I still have questions strewn upon my path that I simply have no answer for.

is the right way to approach life by just 'living everything'? can we take a giant leap of faith and step boldly forward? can I remove the blinders that have held me back for fear? and when I think of it what am I afraid of? failure. success. mediocrity. apathy. responsibility. irresponsibility. happiness.

I want to live life with a spark - a 'fire in my belly' (as watermusic says). we all have so much to give. love. laughter. support. sympathy. empathy. it's exciting to think we have something to contribute. a hand. a heart. a voice. a tear. a shoulder. even, at times, a foot (for a good swift kick in the pants). things change and we have to change with it. accept what is and look for the gifts - both that can be given and received.

'I don't know where I'm going but I have to get there.'

how now

you have to love a weekend that ends on a Monday. it doesn't matter that this next week will be a day off. a happy consequence to pay. you have to love a weekend when it has been spent with friends. how perfect.

we ate too much. drank a bit. laughed. hugged. shopped. watched insane quantities of football. told (not too tall) tales. how fun.

a weekend like this makes me realize how sweet life is. how precious. how delicious. how fleeting. how fragile. how wonderful. how treasured.

and an extra bonus. I got a call from a girlfriend yesterday morning. we were neighbors many moons ago in Chicago. we are now only able to get together periodically. but whether we're face to face or ear to ear it is like all those years apart were mere moments. we pick up conversations where we left off. not a moment spent apart. how lovely.

yesterday the hubs and I took some time for us. we went to brunch in Austin (Galaxy Cafe at The Triangle on Lamar, highly recommended). took advantage of the 20% off sale at several Half-Price Books stores where I added to my decorating and garden book collection (soon to be housed in my 'me' room). you have to love a day when you feel like you're on vacation. how delightful.

'let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.'

and the answer is ...

I am thinking out loud today. just rambling really. but need to talk to myself and anyone out there listening.

I am tired. I am tired of questioning myself and facing innuendos. I am tired of being accused and ignored. I am tired of incurring the rath of some and the indignation of others. I take responsibility for my mistakes. no one is perfect – least of all me. I cannot name all my faults and inadequacies. but along with the responsibility is an acceptance of the gifts I have to share. there is an indescribable happiness in my life. I am loved. I am blessed. my heart is full and giving. I am good. I will not apologize for being me.

we are human and cannot forget pain or heartache easily. we hold onto it. nurture it. keep the wound open. I get that. I’ve been there. but the question I want to ask is – and in actuality scream from the mountaintop – why do we? we love each other so intensely. so thoroughly. so deeply. why can we not concentrate on the love. dismiss the fear where love is involved. if we looked inside ourselves we would see that there is nothing to fear. there is no threat. the love is there for the keeping. and equally ours to throw away – push away. the love is there reaching out for you to grab hold of – hang onto. it is our own proud decision to pull away or let go. give up a little pride and choose to be happy. accept an apology. embrace what you have.

faith teaches us to forgive. so let’s practice what we preach. forgive me. forgive yourself (that means accepting that part of the problem may be you). move forward. you can choose to forgive or punish. the question is who are you really punishing?

my no negativity friend, watermusic, wrote last week ‘when I sit in the stillness of now I am none of the things that I think I am or am afraid to be. I simply am, a child of God, whole and enough. there are no dragons to slay, no wrongs to be righted, no windmills to tilt at. there are no enemies.’ as crazy as it sounds this unknown blogging friend has helped open my eyes, unburden my heart, choose wisely.

‘so choose. it’s either fear or love baby. I’m choosing love. what about you?’

see you

as I was looking for something for the hubs and I to do in September, it would appear that we can be entertained all month long. personally, I will be celebrating on the 12th and 14th. but you may want to avoid me come the 19th.

1 Emma M. Nutt Day (first woman telephone operator)
2. VJ Day
3. Skyscraper Day
4. Newspaper Carrier Day
5. Cheese Pizza Day
6. Labor Day (or perhaps Fight Procrastination Day)
7. Neither Rain nor Snow Day
8. National Date Nut Bread Day
9. Pardon Day
10. Swap Ideas Day
11, Make Your Bed Day
12. Chocolate Milk Shake Day
13. Fortune Cookie Day
14. National Crème-Filled Donut Day
15. Felt Hat Day
16. Mayflower Day
17. POW/MIA Recognition Day or Citizenship Day
18. Oktoberfest begins or National Cheeseburger Day
19. International Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day
20. National Punch Day (followed by ...)
21. International Peace Day
22. Elephant Appreciation Day
23. Checkers Day (the board game & Nixon's dog)
24. National Cherries Jubilee Day
25. National Comic Book Day
26. International Rabbit Day (UK) or Johnny Appleseed Day (USA)
27. Crush a Can Day
28. National Good Neighbor Day
29. Confucius Day
30. National Mud Pack Day

learn more at Holiday Insights.

'happily we bask in this warm September sun which illuminates all creatures.'